Jokes

07.03.2014 um 20:05

@GSElevator (goldman sachs)

#1: Poems are just gay sentences.

"Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it." He's right you know.

I could watch fat people getting out of cars all day long.

On Valentine's Day, I send my wife flowers with a card that says 'Congratulations'.

The fact that there are ugly hookers tells you all you need to know about free markets... and men.

America's obese have spent 20 years preparing for this winter.

My 1st wife was vehemently pro-life until my girlfriend got pregnant.

No one has a lower credit score than the guy posting pictures of himself flashing $100 bills.

Most girls cannot pull off their attitude. They need to either get hotter, or be nicer.

My 7 is your 9, bro.

'Just be yourself' is good advice to probably 5% of people.

If she thinks fellatio is a Shakespearean protagonist, I don't know if I should cut my losses or go all-in.

If you have a good metabolism, a full head of hair, and a good job, don't marry young. Wait 10 years, then take your pick.

Feminists are just ugly underachievers who need an excuse for their failures.

Being single at 40 is perfect. Divorcées chase me. Sweet spot for 30-somethings. Rich enough to get girls in their 20s.

In Sicily, gangsters kill the kids and grandkids of their enemies. In America, we have Reverse Mortgages.

Homosexuality is a win-win for dudes. It usually takes two good looking guys and two ugly girls off the market.

I’m sick of 21yr olds thinking they’re special for being hot. At 21, you’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 40 and hot.

I've met quite a few 6s who become 9s b/c of a great personality, but even more 10s who become 4s due to a shitty one.

Why would I marry? It's betting some chick half my net worth that I will love her forever.

If her profile pic's an 8, she's a 4. Move on.

I spent my twenties in the office. So dating a 20-year old is how I re-live what i missed… on a much larger budget.

“Poor people eat so much fast food you'd think their time was valuable.”
“Build 1,000 bridges, and no one calls you a bridge builder. But, suck one cock....”

#1: Starbucks needs a separate line for people who have their shit together.

#1: In sensitivity training, they say we should avoid sports analogies bc they're sexist... Which seems even more sexist.

#1: Not only did I forget her name in the morning, I forgot what I told her my name was too.

Krugman orders a pizza. Guy asks if he wants it cut into 6 or 8 slices. Krugman says, '8 please. I'm very hungry today.'

#1: If there really was a glass ceiling, we'd let all the women work above us.

08.03.2014 um 16:31

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=89358927&postcount=16

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=89352279&postcount=65

not really jokes, but strange posts from a forum in ireland

11.03.2014 um 10:34

here is one which can only be told in english... because it only makes sense in english.

----------------------------------------

Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him.

Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.

The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration.

The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again.

The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE."

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!"

No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells, "Damn it!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!"

11.03.2014 um 11:56

@sator

Major dick is a major dick. He is the man. I want to hear more adventures of Major Dick.

11.03.2014 um 13:08

@Billy73

am sorry... thats the only major dick adventure i know of.

11.03.2014 um 16:00

@sator

no problem I think he has the thing to become a great hero much better than james bond and chuck norris.

Special move could be the roundhouse-fuck

21.04.2014 um 19:31

"What's the difference between a fitness trainer and a dominatrix? The dominatrix will stop hurting you when you say the safe word."

19.05.2014 um 22:02

24 things you didn't know about Britain
Wanna' try and focus on the difference between Brit guys and American guys.

I have never had any buddies from America - so y'all still be a bit of a mystery to me.

But here are some things about Brit guys which are probably different to y'all Americans. I would be interested to know if other Brits feel I am on the right track?

1) Nobody cares about politics in the UK. Everybody hates all politicians equally since they remind us of the annoying twat in school who always asked the teacher for extra homework.

2) Nobody cares about religion in the UK - we don't do God. Even the priests and vicars in the UK have a hard time convincing themselves they believe what they do.

3) In England - nobody cares about the country. We have zero patriotism to our own country. The UN could take over the running of our country tomorrow and people wouldn't give a shit. Patriotism is a bit too close to politics - and we don't care about either.

4) Except when it comes to soccer. That we do care about. But only if England does really well - if they do not, we go back to hating them for representing everything that is shit about celebrity culture and the media in the UK. We also hate them because we enjoy hating things. And the national team know this - which is why they know playing for England is a 'no win' situation. They are the sacrificial lambs which we get to slaughter in a giant hate-fest every time we fail at a major tournament. Secretly we love it when we do badly - since we get more enjoyment from moaning than we do from winning.

5) Every guy in the UK thinks he is secretly smarter than every other guy in the UK. As such - if you think you have convinced him you are right about something - it just means he agreeing so that you shut up and can stop making an idiot of yourself.

6) Every guy in the UK thinks he is hilarious. Which is why our greatest contribution to world comedy is 'The Office' - where the star of the show is an idiot - who thinks he is popular and hilarious.

7) Too prove how much we hate politics I should add that Tony Blair is now the most unpopular person in the country. Despite winning three elections and being incredibly popular in 1997. Tony Blair is unpopular because people are embarrassed that they actually were inspired by a politician and actually believed in politics at the time of his election. As such - we now have the same scorn for him as you do for the shitty band you loved when you were 11.

8) Don't believe people who say Tony Blair is only unpopular because of the Iraq war. The majority of the UK was in favour of the Iraq war.

Irregardless of 'weapons of mass destruction' - since we are so brainwashed about WWII that we feel all evil dictators should be removed from power at all costs. And remember as well - that Tony Blair was re-elected in 2005 - long after it was clear no WMD would be found in Iraq.

Yet today - the majority of people want Tony Blair hanged for 'war crimes'. If we could think of a plausible reason we would want all politicians hanged for one reason or another.

9) Brit guys are now very PC. It is just we don't take an interest in politics and as such easily follow what the politicians at the top want us to believe. Since to be passionate about politics is the sign of a weirdo in the UK. As such - we genuinely don't care about gay marriage. And are against capital punishment and are against guns. Not because we care either way - but because it takes less effort to just agree with the status quo.

10) People in the UK think immigration in the UK is a big problem. But since we don't care about our country. We don't actually care that much about the subject of immigration. People look at our country like a run down old car and just hope it will last a few more years - until we are dead and the car becomes somebody else's problem.

Also people don't discuss the issue much in any case. Since to be mistaken for a racist in the UK carries as big a stigma as being mistaken for a paedophile. People will actually cry and start rolling on the floor in "shock" if they think you just said something that could be construed as racist.

11) The only thing people are more scared of than being thought racist is being though a paedophile. So never mention to a Brit that the age of consent varies throughout the world. British guys genuinely believe the age of consent is 16 everywhere else in the world.

12) People in the UK are a bit concerned about how much they masturbate to internet porn - and try and cover up for that by pretending to be uninterested in sex when the subject arises in conversation or in the media. As such a lot of feminist bullshit goes unchallenged and a lot of guys nod sagely to whatever feminist agitprop is being promoted.

13) People in Britain are convinced we are the ugliest people in the world. This is the thought that always pops up in our head as we are in town shopping.

Something to do with our shitty food, shitty weather, shitty teeth, shitty faces, and lack of concern for clothes. Along with the huge number of old people. Added to which we are an island nation in which everyone looks the same as everyone else - with no real genetic diversity.

As such their is very little sex in the nation's bedrooms. In half the cases it is because the guy thinks his wife is ugly. And in the other half of cases it is because the wife secretly thinks she is ugly.

We are the nation that invented Viagra...

14) We have low energy as a nation. As such - it is not out of rudeness that we don't care about strangers. But out of a general sense of stress at being able to get to the end of the day in one peace and with as little hassle as possible.

15) As a nation we have being there and done that. For a thousand years now. And we are so bored of it all - that none of us can even be bothered to study our own history. The best way to sum up the psychology of our country is this.

Imagine an airport lounge with 60 million people. That is the UK.

16) England, Britain or the UK. Who cares? We don't. Most Brits can't be bothered to remember what the different terms mean.

17) Nobody believes anything in the newspapers over here. They only exist so that people have something to read during their lunch breaks - and so that they have something to talk about in the office at work. A lot of people mistake reading things aloud from the paper for having a personality.

18) Respect for the rule of law is a big thing in the UK. Not out of any sense of fairness or decency - but because we love seeing other people get into trouble. Which is why politicians have to go to prison in this country for pocketing a few thousand pounds in incorrect expenses claims.

19) Nobody gives a shit about newspapers over here. As such the newspapers have a free reign to bully which ever politician or celebrity they want whenever they have committed the smallest wrong doing.

20) Everyone in the UK hates strangers. And everyone in the UK secretly hates most of their 'friends'. And they are secretly jealous of the ones they most like. Jealously and hatred and backstabbing make up most of our waking thoughts. To the point that we are not even aware of it. We are the nation that gave the world reality TV, The Weakest Link, The X Factor, Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan. Spot the pattern yet?

21) Since British people are scared of offending people. We are incredibly polite to others. This is especially the case with Americans who we are convinced lead much more interesting lives than we do. And who come from a cooler country than we do. Even if we like to think we are smarter than them. We only think that because everybody in the UK thinks they are smarter than literally everybody else in the UK.

Sometimes I explain to people - that by definition - half the country has below average intelligence. And the other half has above average intelligence.

They always look confused when I explain this to them.

I then tell them that if they are struggling to understand what I just said then it is clear which half they belong to.

The really dumb ones can't even follow that.

For some reason - people in the UK don't like weird ideas or new ways of thinking about things. I think it is because they want their presumed intellectual superiority to go forever unchallenged.

22) No matter how much Scotland complains - they will never leave the UK. And no matter how much England complains - they will never leave the EU. And no matter how much the Irish complain - the rest of the UK still wishes they were Irish. And no matter how much Wales complains - everybody else will still be happy they are not Welsh.

Also - nobody in England gives a fuck about Northern Ireland. Keep it or get rid of it. We don't care either way. We didn't even care about the bombings either - since people in the UK are so bored in their day to day life - that the occasional bomb at least livened up the news a bit.

23) People pretend they support the military in the UK. But they they secretly think that everyone in the military is a working class idiot with no qualifications who couldn't get a better job. To cover up for this hypocrisy we sometimes get bullied by the newspapers into pretending we care more about the armed forces than we really do.

24) Please come to our country or consider moving here. The only money in the UK comes from selling each other houses or from ripping off tourists.

So the more the merrier.

We are all secretly amazed that tourists care about our history and royal family. Since we don't give a shit about them.

And we are equally amazed at how friendly Americans seem to be.

The only good thing about the UK is our music and our comedy.

01.03.2015 um 21:13

What dis Jesus say while hanging on the Cross?

Man, what a shitty way of spending Easter Holidays!

12.03.2016 um 20:50

Adults only!!!

A very young couple were on there honeymoon. Beeing very excited and nervous the young man went to the bar to have some drinks.
She went to their room and locked the door. After almost an hour the young woman heart a frantic knocking at the door.
"Please, please, let me in, quick"-"I'm not going to let you in, knowing what you are knocking for." - "But wouldn't you like to know what I'm knocking with?" came the desperate reply.

14.03.2016 um 08:17

Irish barmaid:
I'm sorry, sir, the bar will not open for half an hour - would you like a drink while you are waiting.

15.03.2016 um 07:46

The rich uncle wrote to his nephew:
"I am sending you £10 you ask for, but I must call your attention to a spelling mistake in your letter.
You have written 10 with two noughts!

16.03.2016 um 07:37

"Waiter, just look at that chicken. It's nothing but skin and bones".
" Would you also like the feather,sir?"

17.03.2016 um 07:51

A man was attacked and the attacker left him bleeding a ditch. Two psychologist passed by and one said to the other:"We must find the man who did this" He needs help

18.03.2016 um 09:40

Having been converted by good missionaries the cannibals ate fisherman on Friday.

18.03.2016 um 10:08

In 1763 the Irish invented the condom using the length of sheeps intestine.
However in 1873 the Englisch somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

18.03.2016 um 20:18

@emanon
They constantly mixed up work and Sex :ask:
Honestly, this joke is R-raten.

18.03.2016 um 20:19

R-rated

19.03.2016 um 06:47

My wife's hobby is making things - like mountains out of molehills.

22.03.2016 um 19:13

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

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