http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/news/headlines_from_tomorrow/36 (Archiv-Version vom 07.12.2007)Rofl
By CHUCK LEE
After opening a popular Chinese restaurant in Manhattan, Chuck Lee discovered that eating large amounts of hot mustard enabled him to foretell the future. Chuck has consented to share his remarkable predictions in a weekly column.
2008 BUCHAREST, Romania — Vampires realize that the blood of tuna fish suits their macabre nutritional requirements as effectively as human blood. The undead begin lurking near the shores of the Black Sea, sucking fish dry and discreetly throwing their bodies into the water.
2009 BUCHAREST, Romania — An unexpected side effect of the new vampiric diet occurs when the discarded fish themselves return to life as vampires. The fishing industry comes to an abrupt halt while authorities try to capture and kill the thousands of bloodthirsty ‘nosferatuna.’
2010 APPLE VALLEY, Calif. — Herbalists create a new aromatic material that, when inhaled, causes people to become irate. People who have trouble expressing legitimate anger are helped by this new 'incense.'
2011 WASHINGTON D.C. — Scientists determine that before bringing on nuclear winter, the detonation of dozens of atomic bombs would cause a more devastating condition known as nuclear summer. During this period, temperatures will rise from normal to six thousand degrees. Fortunately, scientists calculate that humans will only be forced to endure this catastrophic event for a mere .003 seconds before everything is vaporized, minimizing the amount of suffering.
2012 PARIS, France — Inspired by women's love of baby dogs, there is a growing movement of men who dress themselves in faux canine skins, convinced this will make them more appealing.
2013 PARIS, France – The puppysexual movement fails because the men chase every pussy cat they encounter outside of bars. The feline population dwindles while women sit idle.
2014 LOS ANGELES, Calif. — A new state lottery is instituted that focuses on women. Instead of cash, prizes include dance lessons, new kitchens and clothes. Millions of women excitedly participate in this Jillpot.
2015 MANHATTAN, N.Y. — Since women adore men who make them laugh, cosmetic companies make a cologne for men that contains nitrous oxide — Guffaux. Any woman who talks to a man wearing Guffaux laughs for the entire evening.
2016 DETROIT, Mich. — Inspired by the recycling of paper, water and even oxygen, scientists devise a method of recycling sound. Huge baffles erected on city streets go a long way toward cutting down on noise pollution.
2017 AUGUSTA, Maine — Clothing manufacturers create a battery-powered electric sports jacket for winter wear. The new garment generates heat but still looks elegant. Men who want to look classy in the cold flock to purchase these blazers.
2018 PROVIDENCE, R.I. — While studying the problem of dropping grade point averages, school researchers determine that inhaling chalk — especially the calcified foraminifera — actually enhances children's IQs. Since so many students only use computers, schools make sure the monitors are coated with chalk dust.
2019 BRONX, N.Y. — For their own protection in high-risk classrooms, teachers are replaced with holographic substitutes that are invulnerable to violent students. Since they're also incapable of being intimidated, parents are optimistic that their children will finally get good educations.
2019 BRONX, N.Y. — Unfortunately, students discover where the holographic projectors are located and destroy them. Stronger models are constructed that can withstand a holo-decking.
2020 SANDY, Utah — To make vegetables more appealing to men, farmers try to make certain foods more masculine. Their first project is to stop growing chickpeas and grow a manly version, called studpeas.
2021 HOUSTON, Texas — Aerospace engineers discover that the best way to power a space station is to harness solar wind and turn it into energy. To accomplish this, they build a gigantic solar windmill in Earth orbit.
2022 HOUSTON, Texas — NASA and its European allies are forced to delay the project when a Spanish astronaut, suffering from space madness, becomes convinced that the solar windmill is an E.T. and attacks it.
